oh my god

Why do I always end up getting shit faced drunk and doing something completely stupid? It seems like it happens all too often for me. I really hate, hate, hate it. I need to find a balance when drinking. Yikes.

Yet Again

I've been getting off track with my life... that's not good.
Tomorrow I will be on track.. I should probably go to sleep now. :)

Yikes

I feel as though I'm knowingly getting myself into more than I can handle. I need to STOP. This isn't good at all. Ughhh. Well, I should start by stepping away from this computer. Last night I saw Styx in concert with Michelle and then stayed up all night long not doing much of anything. All I have to show for it is a stomach ache and I'm tired. I went to bed at about 10AM and slept until 2PMish.. Yuck. Bad decision, Steph! But I had a good time.. so it was worth it. Sort of. I don't know. Just please try to behave yourself. Despite all the beer I still weighed 153lbs this morning. My dad isn't home yet, and I don't know when he'll be getting home. It kind of concerns me because I need to leave for work in a little over 2 hours. 6:15... so I need to leave at around 5:45. Bleh. Anyway I'm going to take today as the day I get my act together.

17lbs gone baby!

Too bad it's still incredibly frustrating since I'm still 26lbs away from where I want to be. Oh do I keep on movin' though! Lately I've been super in love with life. Maybe it's because I'm currently unemployed, maybe it's because I'm 17lbs less than I was before. Who knows! My tummy is getting full of coffee. Mark and I went to the beach yesterday. It was the first time (in a very, very long time) that I had the full beach experience. Bathing suit, swimming in the sun, laying out. So much fun. I'm glad I have Mark to break me out of my shell and force me to do things like that. I'm such a weenie. Time to kick this diet into overdrive. I only lost a pound this week. Two weeks and 5 days until Mark's beach party and my goal weight for it is *150*. Wouldn't that be nice? :) I was working out, but haven't for two nights, so tonight it's a MUST. Oh shizz my period is starting soon. Fucking bloated-ness here I come. Oh well.

Sing Me to Sleep

How am I not myself?

Diet

This new eat healthy thing I've started is going pretty well. I love it. TWO weeks strong. Amazing for me. Hopefully I'll be able to survive another 6 weeks. Ha what am I saying? I will. I'm determined.
Tonight I'm going out with Mark. Dinner or DiNNER as he calls it. lol, but anyway, I plan on only eating a side salad. We will commence with drinking later than that... My limit will be 3 drinks. I don't need all that sugar..

Oh the Sanity

I'd totally love this flower hummingbird tattooed somewhere on my body, but it won't happen for another 40lbs.
On unrelated note, I got the job at Safeway. I was asked to take a drug test on the SPOT! It was crazy, but I passed and tomorrow I go in to fill out paper work. Yay! Finally getting away from AMC. Diet's still on. Tomorrow will be 9 days... and counting. 20lbs lighter here I come!

Every Night in my Dreams

That's where you are.
I've been on another diet for a week and day. I'm trying to lose 20lbs before June 6th which isn't such a random date. It's Mark's beach party thingee. I'd like to look decent in what I plan on wearing. I've been drinking tons of water and eating no junk food at all. It's actually not that hard this time around. I decided that I didn't want to be fat forever. Unfortunately I'd have to lose 40lbs to be all my goal weight. -_- I guess that's what the summer is for. :)

In Regards to My Last Post

Hm. Remember how I said "If everything goes according to plan"? Everything is not going to plan. Alex's car was stolen last Tuesday. It sucks pretty badly. Now he has to (even though he doesn't want to) buy a new car. When we move I kind of want both of us to have cars. It would be more money, but I believe that it would also make things a lot easier. I want to move, but I don't want to move on a whim or unprepared. It gets pretty difficult to wait with my dad being on and off crazy psycho. I'm getting pretty tired of the drinking and the mood swings. Minus those things, my dad is a pretty cool guy. He's someone I can talk to and relate to, but he's like 50/50 sometimes. I won't go to into my home issues. I'll just say that I'm mentally ready to live on my own. If only I were financially ready. I've been trying to save money. I only went out last Saturday and had a blast. I only spent about $30. My stomach is not happy with me and I'm not sure why. I haven't been eating that much lately... Oh. I think I figured it out. I drank orange juice this morning. OJ makes my tummy sad sometimes. :C
I guess I should work up this poo while I'm paying attention to the lecture.

Cha-cha-changes

If all goes according to plan in 5 months Alex and I will begin our journey to the great unknown.. also known as Oregon. If you know me even just a little bit, you would know that I've always had a great love for Oregon. I love the trees, the people... the trees. Medford is looking pretty snazzy right about now. Alex was stuck on Salem for a while, but we've decided to go in a couple of months to check the state and see what's right for us. Hopefully! (Jeez it feels like I'm always hoping) everything goes according to plan, and this isn't just another one of our crazy pipe dreams.

Life Like

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get.
So true, so true. In the 22 years I've been on this planet I've experienced many events and many emotions. My life was only a bit slightly more tragic than most. I've experienced a lot of loss, but I've also had a lot of good things happen to me. I met people that were understanding and caring. Those people are the best thing to happen to me. They helped form me into the person I am today. Although I've felt extreme sadness, I've also been lucky enough to feel euphoria. I'm sad today that even as a slightly new life on this planet I've been having feelings of regret. I caused some things to happen. Things that hurt people, and things that I can never take back. I live in regret. Maybe because the wound is slightly new, but it always has me wondering... when does that feeling fade? I've learned my lesson. I hit an all time low, but slowly day by day I'm recovering. I'm becoming stronger, more able to cope, but some days... it all comes back at me all at once, and hits me like a ton of bricks. How many days, years, months will it take to finally just not care anymore. I know what I need to do. I need to keep going forward. If I stand in one place to long I'll sink into quicksand. I know I'm speaking very cryptically, but I'm sure people get the idea. As much as it may feel like I'm the only one that has ever felt this way, I know there are millions of people out there that feel this way. I'm not alone and I'm not a bad person. I've just made mistakes and I've learned from those mistakes. A song that always comes to mind is that Red Hot Chili Peppers song. One lyric in particular, "And I don't ever want to feel like I did that day, take me to the place I love, take me all the way." Beautifully said. Perhaps I'm just the adult product of a misguided child. My childhood was full of tears and feeling alone. Constantly being berated and treated like shit. My mental disposition has improved greatly in the past few years, but I think I owe it too much to other people which causes me to become dependent. Dependent on love, affection, attention, and acceptance from people. If I know people love me than I believe that I am worthy. All I really need is to love and accept myself. I'm doing well with those two things lately, I just need to learn how to be consistent.
Time to be happy.

Exhaustion

Oh I hear that. Last night Amanda, Vanessa, Chanel, and I were at the Palladium which is a hip-hop place in Modesto. Not really my scene, I'm usually the whitest person there. I had four delicious Washington Apples. We mostly talked, smoked cigarettes, drank, and ate delicious tacos on the patio. Vanessa and I were done with the place and went to Alex's for a bit. We were going to go to another place, but Vanessa realized she left her ID with Amanda. My stomach hurts today. I hate that. Vanessa and Amanda didn't end up leaving Alex's until 3 and I don't think Alex and I went to sleep until 4, and then had to wake up at 7 so I could go home and go to church with my parents. My mother's beliefs annoy the bejesus out of me. I am in no way religious. Church annoys me. My mom can't understand why I think it's OK for same-sex couples to marry. She said, "You think it's OK for two men to get married?" I said, "If they want to." She asked, "Do you think it's OK for animals to get married then?" and I said, "If they want to." What's so hard to understand about freedom and civil rights? She's only 25 years older than me. She shouldn't be so old fashioned. When I got home at 1 I passed out until 8:30PM and now I have school in the morning. -_- Time for change... AGAIN!

dia dos

As I lie here bed ridden due to whiplash, I'm enjoying the fact that I actually have to be lifted up by someone else because it is too painful to do it on my own. Unbelievable! Today was extremely eventful and adulty. First, I took the car over to B&B Saab Body Shop to get an "estimate" done. Hertz picked me up from there and within an hour my car was in the shop and I was driving a fancy Ford Focus rental! It's amazing how much your car insurance matters for that. I'm really glad the car accident was not my fault. I feel really sorry for the guy though.
Not much to report.
Maybe I'll end this with I have terrible gas.

headache

Today I was involved in my first automobile accident. It's definitely going to be an unforgettable event in my life. It's funny how people react when they've heard you've just been in a car accident. People ask first if you're hurt. No. I wasn't initially, but as the day wears on I seem to be stuck with an unforgiving headache and my wrist is experiencing mild discomfort. When I drive I typically have my left hand on the steering wheel and my right either at rest on my side, or finding a song on the radio. During impact I think my wrist was twisted at an awkward angle. My headache could have been caused by my head being slammed back into the seat.
...
I'll come back to this when I stop being bored with writing.