In Regards to My Last Post

Hm. Remember how I said "If everything goes according to plan"? Everything is not going to plan. Alex's car was stolen last Tuesday. It sucks pretty badly. Now he has to (even though he doesn't want to) buy a new car. When we move I kind of want both of us to have cars. It would be more money, but I believe that it would also make things a lot easier. I want to move, but I don't want to move on a whim or unprepared. It gets pretty difficult to wait with my dad being on and off crazy psycho. I'm getting pretty tired of the drinking and the mood swings. Minus those things, my dad is a pretty cool guy. He's someone I can talk to and relate to, but he's like 50/50 sometimes. I won't go to into my home issues. I'll just say that I'm mentally ready to live on my own. If only I were financially ready. I've been trying to save money. I only went out last Saturday and had a blast. I only spent about $30. My stomach is not happy with me and I'm not sure why. I haven't been eating that much lately... Oh. I think I figured it out. I drank orange juice this morning. OJ makes my tummy sad sometimes. :C
I guess I should work up this poo while I'm paying attention to the lecture.

Cha-cha-changes

If all goes according to plan in 5 months Alex and I will begin our journey to the great unknown.. also known as Oregon. If you know me even just a little bit, you would know that I've always had a great love for Oregon. I love the trees, the people... the trees. Medford is looking pretty snazzy right about now. Alex was stuck on Salem for a while, but we've decided to go in a couple of months to check the state and see what's right for us. Hopefully! (Jeez it feels like I'm always hoping) everything goes according to plan, and this isn't just another one of our crazy pipe dreams.

Life Like

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get.
So true, so true. In the 22 years I've been on this planet I've experienced many events and many emotions. My life was only a bit slightly more tragic than most. I've experienced a lot of loss, but I've also had a lot of good things happen to me. I met people that were understanding and caring. Those people are the best thing to happen to me. They helped form me into the person I am today. Although I've felt extreme sadness, I've also been lucky enough to feel euphoria. I'm sad today that even as a slightly new life on this planet I've been having feelings of regret. I caused some things to happen. Things that hurt people, and things that I can never take back. I live in regret. Maybe because the wound is slightly new, but it always has me wondering... when does that feeling fade? I've learned my lesson. I hit an all time low, but slowly day by day I'm recovering. I'm becoming stronger, more able to cope, but some days... it all comes back at me all at once, and hits me like a ton of bricks. How many days, years, months will it take to finally just not care anymore. I know what I need to do. I need to keep going forward. If I stand in one place to long I'll sink into quicksand. I know I'm speaking very cryptically, but I'm sure people get the idea. As much as it may feel like I'm the only one that has ever felt this way, I know there are millions of people out there that feel this way. I'm not alone and I'm not a bad person. I've just made mistakes and I've learned from those mistakes. A song that always comes to mind is that Red Hot Chili Peppers song. One lyric in particular, "And I don't ever want to feel like I did that day, take me to the place I love, take me all the way." Beautifully said. Perhaps I'm just the adult product of a misguided child. My childhood was full of tears and feeling alone. Constantly being berated and treated like shit. My mental disposition has improved greatly in the past few years, but I think I owe it too much to other people which causes me to become dependent. Dependent on love, affection, attention, and acceptance from people. If I know people love me than I believe that I am worthy. All I really need is to love and accept myself. I'm doing well with those two things lately, I just need to learn how to be consistent.
Time to be happy.

Exhaustion

Oh I hear that. Last night Amanda, Vanessa, Chanel, and I were at the Palladium which is a hip-hop place in Modesto. Not really my scene, I'm usually the whitest person there. I had four delicious Washington Apples. We mostly talked, smoked cigarettes, drank, and ate delicious tacos on the patio. Vanessa and I were done with the place and went to Alex's for a bit. We were going to go to another place, but Vanessa realized she left her ID with Amanda. My stomach hurts today. I hate that. Vanessa and Amanda didn't end up leaving Alex's until 3 and I don't think Alex and I went to sleep until 4, and then had to wake up at 7 so I could go home and go to church with my parents. My mother's beliefs annoy the bejesus out of me. I am in no way religious. Church annoys me. My mom can't understand why I think it's OK for same-sex couples to marry. She said, "You think it's OK for two men to get married?" I said, "If they want to." She asked, "Do you think it's OK for animals to get married then?" and I said, "If they want to." What's so hard to understand about freedom and civil rights? She's only 25 years older than me. She shouldn't be so old fashioned. When I got home at 1 I passed out until 8:30PM and now I have school in the morning. -_- Time for change... AGAIN!